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the way onward

22 Dec

In January 2005 I was in Australia at Sydney’s Powerhouse Museum when an announcement came over the PA system there to head to the auditorium if we wanted to see the first transmissions from Titan as they came in. I burst into tears.

Australia, where I had gone to study acting, was good but difficult for me. And Titan and I have always had a special relationship because of a film called Gattaca, which is about the highly stylized astronaut dreams of a guy named Eugene, born disadvantaged in a genetically engineered society because his parents decided to leave his form and function to chance and have a “faith birth.”

Eventually, through a business transaction and a subsequent friendship, Eugene is able to forge his identity as someone superiorly genetically engineered and so achieves his dream of going to Titan. His leaving scene at the end of the film, his secrets exposed to someone disinclined to stop him, always makes me sob. Because, while the film never tells us Titan is a one way trip, it’s quite clear that Eugene isn’t coming back. It’s in the music and the cinematography and the metaphor woven throughout of the way Eugene used to beat his genetically engineered younger brother at swimming races as a child; When asked how he did what he should not have been able to do, Eugene says, breathless and near drowning, “I never saved anything for the way back.”

For a lot of my life, I felt a lot like Eugene. There was all this stuff I wasn’t supposed to be good at — not with the funny teeth and awkward limbs, not with the heart murmur or the glasses or the wonky social skills. But I got wrathful in my ambition young, and the truth is, I’m actually pretty good at a lot of stuff. But that’s often been a hard thing for me to believe, and so Eugene and his borrowed identity of Jerome and the story of Gattaca has been a talisman to me since I saw it alone in a theater the night it came out. I have never saved anything for the way back — this is just one remark from the stories of men that’s become a tenet in the story of me. Eugene borrowed genetic material to be what he already was. Me? I suppose I borrow stories.

If you’re reading this now as I post it, you probably know me from Livejournal, and you’ve probably heard this story before. But this time part of the story is about why I’m choosing to tell it over here. Livejournal is, and has been, an awesome place for me. I’ve met friends there, and my partner, and done a hell of a lot of accidental networking that’s allowed me to parlay my obsessive interest in a whole bunch of pop-culture things (many of them of the SF/F variety, hence one of the reasons for the name of this blog) into professional work as an essayist, scholar, and con guest. In short: Livejournal is great for a lot of stuff.

Unfortunately, that’s somehow inspired a culture on Livejournal that’s often about excelling at things on Livejournal and cutting down people who excel at things off Livejournal. The first part of that’s not a terrible thing in and of itself — and not even relevant to the bulk of people who use LJ as a place to hang out with their friends, vent about their days, and connect with others who share common interests — but for me, lately, particularly in light of the second part, it’s become a little bit stifling. Being good at writing on Livejournal or excelling at social justice on Livejournal or having networking skills on Livejournal aren’t goalposts that are working for me right now. In some cases, because I’ve met those goals; in other cases, because I simply don’t know how to anymore if I ever did.

So, welcome to a new blog where I don’t do exciting link dumps (you’ll have to visit the LJ for that, as I doubt I could give my voracious reading and pasting a rest) or write fanfiction (again, something that’ll stay on LJ because that’s where the relevant community is), but where I do, do things like talk for more than three paragraphs at a time about politics and television and film and writing and making art and being queer and having a thing for custom tailoring and having grown up in a rapidly vanishing New York.

This place is named Letters from Titan because SF/F topics are both a professional and personal specialty of mine. And it’s named Letters from Titan because my life is more than a little bit My Life on the Geek List because of people I know, cons I go to, and speaking engagements I get to do. It’s also named Letters from Titan because I was once Eugene, because it’s colder closer to the stars, and because I am not ashamed of excellence any more than I am afraid of the terrible affair that seems to exist between those who are told they are nothing and ambition. It is not, however, named Letters from Titan because I am in any way related to a mythological giant who eats babies, but that can be a matter for debate if you’d like.

My name’s Racheline. My friends call me Rach. If you only know me from public online communications, you should probably call me RM. I do a lot of stuff. I’m pretty good at most of it. I’m also a slob and a procrastinator and full of self-doubt. But I believe in me and I believe in the future, all because I once burst into tears in the middle of a museum on the other side of the world.

I write these letters home to remind myself that I’m okay.

It’s nice to meet you.

Be grand.

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23 Responses to “the way onward”

  1. Beppie December 22, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

    I hadn’t read that story before, but it’s a good one. I love reading true stories about places that I know — I can see you there.

  2. Anastasia December 22, 2010 at 8:42 pm #

    I look forward to reading more letters home.

  3. therealycats December 22, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

    I hadn’t read that story before either. But I get what you’re saying about the LJ culture being LJ-centric. I just started two blogs over here, one topical, one less so, but the personal one is, I suppose, sort of with the same idea behind it as your starting this one, just trying to find a means of expression separate from LJ. Anyway, yay, you’re my first subscription!

    • RM December 22, 2010 at 9:45 pm #

      Awesome, and thanks. I’m still learning how to follow people on here and stuff, but shall add you when I get to figuring that out!

      • therealycats December 22, 2010 at 9:47 pm #

        I think you just hit subscribe up in the menu bar up top, or if people have added subscription buttons on their blogs you can do it that way too 🙂

  4. heron61 December 22, 2010 at 9:18 pm #

    It continues to be wonderful to watch your journey into who you wish to truly be.

  5. eternalstranger December 22, 2010 at 9:38 pm #

    Hello. I have an off-LJ blog too that I’ve been kinda keeping under wraps for personal reasons, but I don’t if you see it since you don’t know me in real life.

    • RM December 22, 2010 at 9:43 pm #

      Hey, I hope I didn’t actually out you in some bad way by approving this comment. Let me know if you need me to toast it.

  6. Adelheid_p December 22, 2010 at 10:43 pm #

    I have been blissfully ignorant of the LJ subculture but if this lets you be yourself better than LJ, then I support you!

  7. verity December 22, 2010 at 10:56 pm #

    I like this post, and the concept for this blog. Although it’s not something that would have occurred to me independently, I think creating your own space/blogging platform for your thoughts is good and will probably be freeing for you. Subscribing to the feed!

  8. Anton December 22, 2010 at 11:07 pm #

    I feel like the entire course of my life is different, having known you.

    • RM December 23, 2010 at 11:15 am #

      And you never even moved to NY. 😉

  9. kali December 22, 2010 at 11:08 pm #

    Yay! That is all. (It looks good! Let’s talk about the PC website next time we see each other!)

  10. sadpear December 22, 2010 at 11:11 pm #

    Damn, I completely forgot I had this account. But yay, I love the title of this blog so much and I’m glad we’re friends.

  11. goldenwolfrose December 23, 2010 at 4:05 am #

    I appreciate hearing bits of your story and can’t wait to see where else your blog goes!

  12. leeftail December 23, 2010 at 6:47 am #

    Looking forward to reading your posts here as well!

    (I admit the first time I read the name of the blog I was like “omnomnom babies? what?” and then I remembered Gattaca and it all made sense. :P)

    • RM December 23, 2010 at 9:24 am #

      I also have a long history of baby-eating (this was an LJ drama that you perhaps missed, but the highlights included animated icons) hence the hilarity on that subject from some others over on the LJ post announcing this.

  13. marcmagus December 23, 2010 at 10:44 am #

    Would you prefer I switch from referring to you as an online person as rm to RM? I’ve always done the former out of respect for the capitalization of your LJ identity, but if you prefer the capitals I’d be happy to oblige.

    • RM December 23, 2010 at 10:47 am #

      Okay, this is the dorkiest response I will ever make to this.

      I think the lowercase letters are more pleasing from a typographical point of view. Like, really strongly. However, I worry that my insistence on them gets me perceived either as pretentiously artsy or as submissive in a BDSM context that then extends to my social status. So I’m trying to capitalize them as a personal habit. But to be honest, I don’t actually care in an internalized fashion other than that the typography problem of it all really bugs me.

  14. Tony Cullen December 23, 2010 at 11:42 am #

    …heart murmur…

    Ah, okay, Eugene’s particular genetic disadvantage was a heart problem, wasn’t it?

    • RM December 23, 2010 at 11:45 am #

      His and also Irene’s also. It was like someone wrote this movie for me.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Glee: hats in church and Kurt Hummel’s gender identity « Letters from Titan - April 3, 2011

    […] absurd circles, but this wacky bit of wackiness has nothing to do with the title of this journal, musings on which can be found in the first post here]. The freshest in culture. Featured on PopPressed Make Your Own Wall Art With 3form’s […]

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